10 Things the NSA Would Find Out if They Asked for My Personal Records
(ED NOTE: Ran across this post this morning and thought more people need to see it, interesting graphics, and, of course, story)
Last week over at HuffPo, Peter van Buren wrote an article about *gasp* the NSA being able to request medical records (and I’m supposed to be shocked by this revelation?) To reduce any symptoms of mass hysteria this article, or any like it, might cause, here’s my RX: 10 Reasons The NSA Don’t Give A S*** About My Medical Records!
#10: I’m a twenty-two year old caucasian female who is five feet six inches tall (I asked if they could round up from 5ft 5 and ¾ inches) and weighs 115lbs (I mean, that’s not a lie, I did weigh that much one time. . .for like a week. . .)
NSA’s Interpretation: “A woman lying about her weight? Unheard of. This warrants further investigation.”
#9: I currently work in the same hospital I was born in: and the first thing I did after I exited my mother’s womb was poop on the table (isn’t the mom-to-be the one worried about doing that?).
NSA’s Interpretation: “Clearly this was a tactic used by the baby to distract the doctor so that the mother could hide national security secrets in her vagina.”
#8: When I was like 3, I fell on to one of those plastic toy shopping carts (and was shirtless I guess?) Yeah so the plastic splintered and cut my boob so bad it bled for three days but I guess the doctor didn’t dare stitch it, lest I end up with a Frankenboob later in life? I do have a cool boob-scar though.
NSA’s Interpretation: “That Frankenboob scar is actually from the insertion of a tracking device so that Miss Norman’s whereabouts can always be known, since she is a Person of Interest.”
#7: I had strep throat almost constantly as a kid. Amoxicillin and I are BFFLs.
NSA’s Interpretation: “That’s a lot of strep throat . . .she must have been a kid-spy who traveled a lot and continuously contracted antibiotic resistant strains from plane travel.”
#6: I stepped on a shard of beer bottle at the beach one summer and then, years later, I had this growth right where the scar was on the bottom of my left foot. After having it removed, I always wondered if these two events were related.
NSA’s Interpretation: “OF COURSE THEY’RE RELATED! THAT “BEER BOTTLE SHARD” CONTAINED A MICROCHIP WITH THOUSANDS OF GOVERNMENT SECRETS! SHE HAD IT REMOVED?? GOD, NOW ALL OUR SECRETS ARE IN SOME GOD FORSAKEN PODIATRIST’S OFFICE SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE!”
#5: I got appendicitis as a sophomore in college, yet it went undiagnosed for 3 years. I got really sick and even though I thought it was pretty obvious it was my appendix, it didn’t rupture. . .was just like a leaky faucet for a few years. When I finally had it removed, it looked like some kind of gnarly alien life force had taken over my intestines.
NSA’s Interpretation: “Okay guys, we really need to stop implanting government secrets into people’s insides: clearly their bodies are rejecting them. And in Miss Norman’s case, I suppose the gestation of the alien life form via appendiceal orifice has FAILED.”
#4: However, it was during all that exploratory surgery that I learned I have an extra spleen!
NSA’s Interpretation: “Ah yes, the accessory spleen. A mutation caused by Miss Norman’s super telepathy powers. When it has fully matured, we will be able to use her as a human truth serum to interrogate suspected terrorists . . . with her spleeeeeen! No one suspects the spleeeeen!”
#3: I was diagnosed with severe depression about a year ago, and take Zoloft, which has been pretty successful thus far.
NSA’s Interpretation: “Well, guarding so many national security secrets inside her body, who wouldn’t be a little depressed? We can keep that on the DL, guys.”
#2: A couple of months ago I got a Skyla IUD!
NSA’s Interpretation: “Our latest attempt at an internal listening device. . .while it is working beautifully at preventing pregnancy, at this time we are unable to hear anything except the sounds of all her unfertilized eggs having a mid-cycle crisis.
#1: I’m a card carrying member of. . .Anthem.
NSA’s Interpretation: “Health insurance? What twenty two year old has their own health insurance and. . .what’s this, a life insurance policy? Okay. We’re putting a hit out on this one.”
Abby Norman is a science writer who enjoys prodding topics that range from the mundane to the insane. She currently works as the data coordinator for a small New England hospital. When she’s not at her desk, she can usually be found in the hospital library, the OR or the morgue. When she’s not researching or working, she also volunteers as Communications Director for a not-for-profit theatre company and regularly joins them on stage in performances.